Forbidden Episodes of Cutthroat Kitchen: Episode 1

This transcript was found on the condemned set of Cutthroat Kitchen. After a court found Cutthroat Kitchen responsible for several crimes against humanity, the series was cancelled and never aired again.  During the trial, it was rumored that Cutthroat Kitchen was still filming ‘over the top’ episodes in an attempt to avoid being cancelled.  This transcript of the episode is the only evidence of the “Forbidden Season”.  It was written by a producer trying to organize the footage that had already been shot for the film editor.

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Int. Cutthroat Kitchen set

SFX:  Music of Cutthroat Kitchen

ALTON
(to the audience in opening narration)

I have one hundred thousand dollars of cold hard cash in this case.  4 chefs get $25,000 each.  If they want to leave this kitchen with any of the cash they have to survive 3 culinary challenges, and each other!  In a game is not only encouraged, it’s for sale.  And since our show is on the verge of getting canceled, our producers have really upped the stakes.  It’s a game we like to call, “Cutthroat Kitchen”.

Introduction music plays as 4 contestants enter the set.

JAMES

Hi!  I’m James.  I’m from Tulsa Oklahoma, and I’ve got my own Bar-B-Que franchise.  Hoping to get in the mix and make it spicy here in the kitchen!

LANCE

Oi. I’m Lance.  I’m from Minnesota.  I’m here to show everyone that even ketchup can be a spice.

BECKY

Hey there.  I’m Becky.  The producers told me to say something about female empowerment in the kitchen and play the girl-card.  I’m not going to, because that sounds dumb.  Can’t I – (abruptly cut off)

MARCUS

Yo. I’m Marcus. I’m going to act like a tough guy during this interview so that the viewers at home don’t know that I’m dead inside.

Contestants stand behind their cooking stations as the host ALTON addresses everyone.

ALTON

Hello and welcome to Cutthroat kitchen. Let’s get to it, for the first round, we’re making Nachos!

MID-SHOT INTERVIEW in post production (PP interview): Lance

LANCE (PP INTERVIEW)

Alton announces that we’re doing nachos. Chances are the judge won’t be someone from the North, so I can’t just serve my usual salty chips and ketchup.

MID-SHOT INTERVIEW in post production: Marcus

MARCUS (PP INTERVIEW)

Nachos? No problem. Ever since my girlfriend left I’ve resorted to bachelor pad status again. I’ve had nachos once a week for the past…um…4 years? Has it been that long?

ALTON

Your time starts now!

The contestants of the show rush off to grab their ingredients.  Maybe put in some filler about them picking the extremely obvious ingredients that go into nachos?  I don’t know.  Have the sound guy pick up something, that’s his job.

ALTON

5…4…3…2…1!  Time’s up!  Now the fun begins. I’ll be selling various methods of sabotage that you can inflict on your opponents! Whoever bids the highest gets to decide what happens to whom!  We’ll start with…

Dramatically lower an EpiPen (Epinepherine autoinjector) into the sabotage area.

ALTON

Do you know what this is?

Contestants shake their heads because they are clueless, although by looking at Lance, he should probably look into getting an EpiPen.  Diabetes has to be just around the corner for that guy, if he doesn’t have it already.

ALTON

This is an EpiPen, but it’s really just a symbol.  Whoever buys this gets to avoid our first sabotage which is…

Assistants wheel out an assortment of items.

ALTON (CON’T)
…everyone here will have to use an ingredient in their food that they are allergic to!

MID-SHOT INTERVIEW in post production: James

JAMES (PP INTERVIEW)

I have to use an ingredient I’m allergic to unless I buy that pen.  I’m deathly allergic to Tuna…I can’t afford to lose this or I might die.  Or worse yet, I’ll really disappoint the judges because Tuna is a terrible ingredient for nachos.

ALTON

I’ll start the bidding at $500!

Contestants do their best to outbid each other.

ALTON

Sold to Becky for 5,000 dollars!

BECKY (PP INTERVIEW)

I’m so glad I got this EpiPen so I don’t have to use an ingredient I’m allergic to. I saw that poison ivy in that container and knew that I’d probably lose if I served the judge nachos with poison ivy on them.  Poison Ivy has a really strong bitter taste, it’s very oily, and the scent is generally off-putting if served with acidic foods.  It’s also bad if your food gives the judge a rash.

LANCE

Hey, uh, Alton.  I’m noticing that you are handing me a bunch of latex gloves. I know I’m allergic to latex, but this isn’t even food.

ALTON

Well then someone should have bid higher, Lance.  I’m not here to hold your hand, I’m here to announce this show. If you don’t like your latex, then maybe you can go to your doctor and get a prescription for a pair of testicles.

LANCE

But…latex isn’t edible!

ALTON

Spoken like a true amateur chef.  Maybe you should have considered this before you decided to be allergic to latex.  Let’s hope the judge doesn’t share your opinion about your latex nachos! (Diabolic laugh that goes on a bit too long) I hoped you learned your lesson. Our next sabotage is sports related, because our producers are trying to appeal to sports fans of any kind. If you win this auction, you get to force one of your opponents to dribble a basketball for the entirety of the round while making their nachos!

The contestants bid wildly.

ALTON

Sold to Lance for 6,000 dollars!  Good job.  Who are you going to give this to?

LANCE

I’m going to give it to Marcus!

MARCUS (PP INTERVIEW)

Lance made me bounce a ball the entire time I was making Nachos. No problem.  I’m used to multi-tasking. Usually when I’m cooking I have a phone in my hand and I’m trying to argue some bill collectors while making my nachos.

ALTON

And our final sabotage is…

Dramatically bring out a terrarium filled with spiders.  Make sure the camera guys get the reaction shots of the contestants.

LANCE (PP INTERVIEW)

When they brought out the spiders, I looked at the other contestants. I expected Becky to be scared because she’s a woman, and women are easily scared. But it was James who was shrinking back into his cooking station in fear like a little girl.  I knew what I had to do.

ALTON

Whoever wins this gets to douse one of their opponents in spiders throughout the cooking phase.

The bidding starts. Get a few close-ups of the spiders during this, because spiders are scary.  Bidding ends with Lance triumphant.

ALTON

Sold!  For 8,000 dollars. Lance, who are you going to douse with spiders?

LANCE

Sorry buddy.

Lance grabs the terrarium filled with spiders and dumps half of them onto James.  James is severely arachnophobic.  It’s where we got the idea.  James screams and screams, but no one will help him. The spirit of competition has robbed everyone on the set of their humanity. They just laugh at James. They point and laugh at James. James is shrieking now. A better person would help him, but no one does, despite his current trauma.  Wuss. Lance keeps the rest of the spiders to surprise James with later on.

ALTON

And your cooking time starts now!

Edit together those shots we got of them all starting their nachos. Get a shot of Marcus dribbling (which he did remarkably well). Show Becky cooking and we’ll play her voice over.

BECKY (V.O.)

I didn’t get any sabotages! I’m just making my usual nachos from scratch. What’s that? No, I don’t think they ‘took it easy on me’ because I’m a woman. Why are you trying to make me say (abruptly cut off)

Show Lance while he was laughing maniacally. Get in a shot or two of James desperately trying to rinse the spiders off him with a sink sprayer.

LANCE

Hey James, your spiders are crawling over onto my cooking station. Keep them over there or else I’m dumping more spiders on you!

Show Marcus making his nachos one-handed.

MARCUS (V.O.)

I was just doing my classic nachos.  Fresh tortilla chips from scratch, mild cheddar, Frank’s Hot sauce, some El Paso salsa, sour cream…

Blah blah blah, Marcus.  Play that sound clip.  I got bored writing it.

BECKY (PP INTERVIEW)

I felt really bad for James. He spent most of the 20 minutes we had for cooking trying to wash the spiders off of him, crying while rocking himself gently in the corner, and then trying to fight the security in order to get out of Cutthroat Kitchen. But he really pulled himself together in the last three minutes.

Show James dump Doritos on a plate, dump cheese on top and splash salsa on it before tossing it in the microwave for 2 minutes.  Then maybe a montage of Lance chasing James around the kitchen with a terrarium half full of spiders.

JAMES

God no! Please no! I’m so scared! I never have been so scared! I’ll quit the competition. I’ll throw my nachos away!  Just leave me be! I have family! I can’t…my fear of spiders is already debilitating. I can’t sleep in my own bed because the spiders.  No Lance!  No!

LANCE

Who is up for some more spiders?  Come on, Lance.  It’s no fun if you don’t play along with the spirit of the game.

ALTON

And cooking time is over!  Everyone hands off your plates.  Now I’d like you to meet our guest judge. Chef Travis.  Now Travis has been in a sound proof room. He doesn’t know any of the sabotages you’ve endured, and frankly he doesn’t care.

CHEF TRAVIS

That’s right. I only care about what the food tastes like.

ALTON

Chef Becky, please present your dish!

BECKY

(no sabotages)

Here’s my take on classic nachos.

CHEF TRAVIS

Delightful. I loved that you made a “man-sized” portion of nachos for someone that doesn’t have to judge their self-worth on how their body looks. Lady nachos are so awful, because they consist only of yogurt and celery sticks. But these are real nachos with chips, salsa, cheese, vegetables, guacamole, sour cream.  Well done. It has great taste, a pleasant burn, I really enjoyed it.

BECKY

Thank you chef! But these aren’t just man nachos, these can be eaten by women as (abruptly cut off)

ALTON

Chef Marcus, please present your dish!

MARCUS

(Dribble a basketball, allergic ingredient: heavy metals)

These are my “Bachelor nachos”, made with fresh tortillas, cheese, fresh salsa, and served with utensils made out of heavy metals.

CHEF TRAVIS

I haven’t ever tried eating nachos with utensils before, especially golden ones.  That said, your dish is very well crafted and tastes wonderful.

MARCUS

Thank you chef!

ALTON

Chef Lance, would you please present your dish?

LANCE

(allergic ingredient: latex)

Yes sir.  I made latex nachos.

CHEF TRAVIS

Lance, you can’t just dump salsa on top of latex gloves and call it food.  I don’t…I can’t eat this.  I’m likely to choke and die on it. That said, it’s a very good presentation. I like how you have different nacho fixings on each of the different glove fingers, and it is consistent throughout.

LANCE

It’s not just on top. There is filling inside as well.

CHEF TRAVIS

Oh!  So there is.  That’s really ingenious.  Unfortunately I can’t try any of this.

ALTON

Chef James, would you please present your dish?

JAMES

(allergic ingredient: milk, doused in spiders)

…(muttering while never making eye contact. Slight shaking throughout his body)

CHEF TRAVIS

Okay, well what I’m seeing is very well done nachos. The taste is remarkable. However, I’m not a fan of the spiders you have. Some of them seemed to be sizzled onto the chips, and others are alive. I don’t think you could serve a plate full of spiders at a restaurant.

Show reaction shots of the contestants.

ALTON

Chef Travis, you have dined. One of these contestants did not make nachos as well as the others.  Who is that?

CHEF TRAVIS

Two of the dishes were excellent.  Two dishes could not be served because of regulations set down by the FDA. Out of those two dishes, one of them actually did remind me of nachos.  So the chef going home is

[Commercial break.]

CHEF TRAVIS

So the chef going home is…

Take awhile and show the contestants squirm. Try not to show the blood trickling from James’ nose. I’m pretty sure the FCC will have something to say about that.

CHEF TRAVIS

The chef going home is Chef Lance. I’m sorry, but even when your competition is a plate full of spiders, you can’t serve rubber to someone. It is a choking hazard.

ALTON

Chef Lance, I’ll need that money back from you.

Chef Lance leaves the set.  Show him in an exit interview.

Lance (4th Place)

Man, I should have bet higher on that EpiPen. Having to serve latex in my dish really threw me off, and I think it was the leading cause for me losing.  Oh well, I can learn from this and go on.

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