I’m Saving Sexy Halloween

Today is Friday, the day I talk about “The Issues”.  Today’s issue is: Halloween Costumes for Women.

Something happens around college time to women everywhere during Halloween.  Rather than dress up as a witch or a mummy or any of the other classic costumes which served them so well in their childhood, college ladies decide it is time to push the envelope.  It’s time to really push the envelope.  It’s no longer time to dress up adorable in an effort to get candy, it’s time to get a costume that will turn heads.  We’re going for a different kind of sweetie this year.  It’s time to go out as a sexy [fill in the blank].  Maybe it’s a sexy nurse, or a sexy police officer, or a sexy witch.

This isn’t a bad thing.

I have a sneaky suspicion that I’m going to get in trouble with folks for saying this, but I don’t really care because I’m a guy with a blog and that makes my opinion worth more than yours [citation needed].

Some folks hate sexy Halloween because they think that it is demeaning to women.  I’m not sure how this is so.  Maybe they think that women dressing up as a sexy stewardess or a sexy policeman or a sexy construction worker puts forward an ‘anti-feminist’ ideal.  I think that’s unfair, because women can also dress up as a sexy hedge fund manager, or a sexy CEO, or a sexy scientist, or even a sexy president of the United States and still have a great costume.  High paying jobs always have a sexy counterpart, and I feel that this is insulting to the average worker who isn’t in a leadership position.  Nah, I’m just joking, it’s the ‘sexy’ part of sexy Halloween that people have a problem with, because being sexy is bad and anti-female, and even though that logic doesn’t follow, we still adhere to it because we live in the 1800’s.  With our 1800’s mindset, our culture has determined that sex is bad, being sexy is bad, and a woman being sexy is bad because…well…we’ve decided as a culture that sexuality is a primal and awful thing that is no longer a part of what it is to be human, therefore sexy people aren’t human people, they are objects.  I disagree with this entirely, and while I think it’s time to move on from the Victorian Era, it seems that many folks who share my planet feel differently.  Let me walk you down this rabbit hole as to why so many people hate sexy Halloween.

I’m going to give you a college level history class in about a paragraph, so hang on.  It all started when Queen Victoria decided that no one should ever have any fun, ever.  Now that the Puritans had left England a few centuries earlier, there were no outlandish prudes that took modesty and boredom to the extreme, and Queen Victoria missed that.  She thought it’d be great to bring that all back and ruin everything.  The first step to ruining everything was to make sex bad.  Sex, the greatest thing ever, was to become vulgar, rude, lowly, disgusting, and awful.  Why?  Because Queen Victoria hates you, that’s why.  Not only was sex bad, but everything related to it had to be bad as well.  Being naked was bad.  Being immodestly dressed was bad.  Being a flirt was bad.  Being attractive was bad.  Being attractive?  Yes, being attractive is bad, because if you are attractive and people notice, you are now a slut, because only sluts are attractive in a way that other people notice.  In fact, all women were now bad, because women have sex, and they have boobs, and they can be very attractive, and that makes them sluts.  Queen Victoria opposed women’s rights to vote because she didn’t want a bunch of sluts telling her what to do.  Queen Victoria hated attractive people, and sluts, and flirting, and sex, and women, and everything that had to do with fun in the bedroom.  Sex was uncool, and that’s how Queen Victoria liked it.

Many scholars wonder why Queen Victoria hated sex so much.  It doesn’t take a history scholar to figure it out.  I did it with a quick Wikipedia search.  It’s because she had nine children with Prince Albert, who is famous for…um…not being a comfortable partner to have nine children with.

The Victorian Era had other repercussions.  When you make sex bad, people stop doing it.  When people stop doing it, they become very industrious because they have a lot of built up energy and frustration to work out.  Now Queen Victoria had all of these industrious people sitting about, so she decided that it was now time to make the worst thing ever into something good: violence.  England decided it was time to use their military and embark in a great expansion of the British Empire.  This gave rise to other things, such as: not caring about what you do to third world nations full of people, romanticism of war, capitalism to the detriment of people (East India Company), exporting harmful goods to the detriment of the people you are selling to (Opium War), and other vices we still hold in high regard today.

I’ve devised a quick test to see if you are living in the Victorian Era.
Q1: Which of these sentences would get edited before being said over your public air waves?
a.) The wife shot her husband and killed him.
b.) The wife touched her husband’s penis.

I see some of you giggling out there.  One of these is a terrible tragedy and breach of law, which ends one life and shatters the husband’s community of friends and family.  The other event should be so commonplace that it isn’t a big deal when it happens (although phrasing of this sentence might need some work due to reasons that I can’t explain in the Victorian Era).  We already know which gets censored.  A murder is entertainment and gets our many police procedurals started (NCIS, CSI, Law and Order, Criminal Minds, the list goes on forever) but if you dare to show a butt on one of these shows, it’s cause for an FCC meltdown and a $1.2 million dollar fine.

Q2: Which of these is an “epidemic”, as covered by your new sources?
a.) 3 Americans with the ebola virus, contained and monitored by the CDC.
b.) 4,500 cases of ebola in Africa.

The news has been in a frenzy over 3 people in the US having ebola.  3 contained people are apparently an epidemic.  Before that, there was no coverage about Africa.  There is still no coverage about Africa.  Africa is only mentioned as the problem from which this other problem came from.

Q3: Does your country have an unlimited budget for war, even when it claims it can’t afford simple things such as health care, food stamps, child care, or public education?
a.) yes

Q4: Does your country claim to be a peaceful nation, and yet sell more weapons than anywhere else, sometimes even fighting those same weapons in future wars?
a.) yes

Congratulations, you live in the Victorian Era.

Back to sexy Halloween, because that’s what we all want to talk about.  I don’t think sexy Halloween is a bad thing.  When it comes to personal matters of modesty, I’m very much a libertarian.  If you want to dress up in the full burka, that’s fine.  If you want to travel about wearing only a speedo, that’s fine.  Dress up how you feel.  If you’re handsome, young, and in shape and you want to dress sexy, go for it.  If you are fat, old, and ugly and you want to dress sexy, go for it.  If legions of college girls want to dress sexy for Halloween, go for it.

That goes for the fellas as well.  I purposefully haven’t mentioned men dressing up sexy for Halloween being a problem, because we live in the Victorian Era, and that isn’t a problem.  In the Halloween of 2012, lots of very muscled men dressed up as Michael Phelps and walked around downtown in a swimmer’s cap and a speedo and nothing else.  No one said anything (the exception being a few exaggeratedly appreciative utterances of the word ‘damn’ from a lot of women and a select few of the men).  Men can do what they want, because centuries dead Queen Victoria liked men, and men can dress sexy if they want to.  No one feels like they have the right to tell men how to dress, just women.  Just to prove my point, remember the Yoga Pants “debates” from earlier this summer that flooded our Facebook feeds, where many conservative women were condemning pants for undoing feminism entirely, or men with no control over their sexual impulses condemned pants for forcing them to have sexual fantasies and a life riddled with sin?  (Links provided)  Those were absurd.

Well why do women dress up sexy for Halloween if we live in the Victorian Era?  I’m going to give you a college level biology class in about a paragraph, so hang on.  Humans evolved to be very young breeders back in our caveman days.  A couple was ready to have kids at the age of fifteen, reproduce as much as they could, then die at the age of 30 due to some problem involving their teeth growing in funny, the teeth of a saber tooth tiger, the gnawing teeth of hunger, the cold teeth of winter, or some other problem involving teeth.  In that fifteen year span the goal was to crank out up to eight children in the hopes that maybe three of them would survive to pass on their genes.  Humans became a species that needed to breed quickly and efficiently at the age of fifteen, and our genes reflect that.  So even though the Victorian Era issued in an attitude that hates sex, our biology hasn’t changed, and it drives us to do nothing but seek out sex right around the time we turn fifteen.

Now America has set up a very elaborate and complicated experiment when it comes to our children.  Despite their bodies being fully ready to be parents around the same time they enter High School, we still call them ‘kids’.  We tell them sex is bad.  Sex is something to be ashamed of.  Wanting sex makes Queen Victoria cry.  Having sex makes Jesus cry.  We heap loads of guilt upon year after year of sexual creatures known as high school students.  We also don’t tell them anything useful about healthy sexuality because we’ve deemed it “icky”.  This has consequences.

I’m going to give you a college level psychology class in about a paragraph, so hang on.  When you repress someone’s sex drive, they start to develop fetishes.  Humans are sexual creatures.  Our sexual selves make up a huge part of our personhood.  When we’re told to repress that, our minds don’t handle it too well because there really isn’t a good reason to repress our sex drives in unhealthy ways.  So the mind develops fetishes.  For most people stuck in the Victorian era, they end up fetishizing sex.  For some people it is feet.  For other people it is Yoga Pants.  For Queen Victoria, it was an unhealthy obsession with making sure no one enjoyed life.

So rather than help our kids navigate their sexuality, we instead guilted all of them into having fetishes that they can’t act on.  At least…not until they finally get to college.

That’s right, after years of sexual repression by teachers, parents, and other adult authority figures, our college students are sex crazy, and for the first time, they are free!  They’ve been in college for about two months, about as long as it takes for the freedom to really settle into the minds of these freshly released sexual prisoners, when Halloween rolls around.  How could sexy Halloween not happen?  This is the one time they get to express their sexuality for the first time, after bottling it up to the point of sexual repression.  Is it bad?  No.  It’s therapeutic.  Our college girls aren’t going to live their lives trying to impress a centuries dead queen from a different country.

What I’m saying?  I’m saying that Queen Victoria is the reason we have sexy Halloween.

Ladies, if you want to dress up sexy for Halloween to express an important part of who you are, go for it.

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