I Write Chaos In Yelp Reviews, And People Love It.

I’ve always been impressed with the service “Yelp”, but one day I found more than I had bargained for!  There was a man named “Bruce B” who reviewed a place called “Ted’s Fish Fry”, and his review was poetry.  Bruce’s review was art.  It had nothing to do with Ted’s Fish Fry, but immediately launches into what a makes up a good Cheese Steak in Philly.  I was astonished.  Here was a guy just bucking the system because he could.

I was completely caught off guard.  Bruce B was a genius!  I clicked on his profile and read more.  His reviews were all short stories.  Granted, there wasn’t much plot, but I got more and more of a picture of Bruce B as I read his reviews.  I saw Bruce B as a writer.  He wasn’t a great writer, but I liked him.  He had character.  In every review I could tell if the waitress was attractive, the actual place being reviewed doesn’t get a fair shake but I got a miniature story about the place, and after reading enough of the reviews I got to see that Bruce was a well-traveled guy.

I was inspired by Bruce B.

I’m not your usual writer.  I like to tell entertaining stories like the next guy, but I’m willing to go lengths that most people won’t.  I tell lies.  Sometimes I tell the truth but I make up parts of stories to speed things along.  Sometimes I take on entirely different character/personality traits when I write just to get a better ‘voice’ for the piece.  Sometimes I say things I don’t mean, which are obvious logical fallacies, but I don’t let on that I (the narrator) am aware of my error in reasoning.  I’m an unreliable narrator sometimes, a liar other times, and completely earnest other times.

What better place for this than Yelp?

Bruce B inspired me to write yelp reviews that have little to do with the actual place I’m reviewing.  Maybe these miniature stories could brighten someone’s day when they were not ready for it.  They are bizarre, but always review the place in question if you read between the lines.  Originally I had the goal of writing 4 posts a month, but that’s slowed down since I’ve started this blog, I’m trying to keep it at 2 a month now.  I have a deep need to get into the swing of writing creatively again; Yelp and this blog have scratched that itch a bit.  It’s how “Steve E, the unreliable” was born.

If you want, you can just look at some of my reviews here, but I’ll present you one of my finest works:  my review of the Hilton Garden Inn at Central Park South.  (Read the review at its original location here.)

Because “society” looks down upon sleeping on the sidewalk, I had to find an alternative, and the Hilton Garden Inn was quite the find!  The Man has been keeping me down for ages, claiming he owns everything and I have to pay this in order to just ‘be in the city’.  The Hilton wasn’t so bad.  This location has nice little cozy rooms for a reasonable cheap price (I’m talking “Manhattan cheap”, not “rest of the world” cheap.)

The best part about it is the location.  Before coming here I had been removed (somewhat forcibly) from the streets.  I tried to assert my rights as an American by yelling “It’s my body, I’ll do what I want with it!”

The police kept responding with “Sir, this is Time’s Square.  You can’t go to sleep on the crosswalk.”  Pfft.  Like I haven’t heard that one before.  Come up with something original, NYPD.  A short walk later I found myself at this Hilton.  It really is nestled into the heart of the city.  It’s right next to the David Letterman show (they won’t let you sleep there), a short walk from Time’s Square (don’t even try to sleep here), Central Park (thought I could hide in there and sleep, but no), and the subway lines (I thought for certain they’d let me sleep down there).

I got a “King’s Room”, because I was feeling like the King of New York.  The room had an excellent view of the wall of another building not too far away.  The room was cozy, very clean, and it was big enough for me to do what I needed to do (sleep).  It even had a business center so I could use the Internets to find better places to sleep out under the stars the way God intended (turns out that’s illegal here).  The staff here were fantastic.  They let me check my bag at the front desk after I had already checked out of my hotel room so that I didn’t have to haul my bag around everywhere I went before my bus showed up a few hours later.  I recommend this spot if you’re heading into NYC.

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