Yelp Reviews For Drug Dealers

I’ve been fascinated with Yelp Reviews, ever since I read one by a poster named Bruce B.  I thought to myself that Yelp Reviews are just unexpected short stories.  It’s a format that people aren’t utilizing enough to bring a smile to one another’s faces.  That’s when i happened to drive past a marijuana dispensary in Colorado, and I just couldn’t resist the urge to write one such short story to bring a smile to everyone’s face.  After all, drug dealers need yelp reviews too!

(PS – Don’t do drugs, stay in school, drink your milk, winners don’t do drugs, DARE to keep off drugs, listen to your parents, Take a bite out of crime)

(The original yelp review)

Let’s say that hypothetically I went to Maggie’s Farm because I was curious.  I’m from out of town and I’d heard things about Colorado and the things you could buy.  It was a harmless bit of curiosity shopping, this fictional situation that in no way happened.  Afterall, purchasing marijuana is a federal crime, even if Colorado doesn’t care.  I obviously would never go to a marijuana dispensary such as Maggie’s Farm.  (It shares a parking lot with a couple other stores.  It’s the building with all the bars in the windows.  The door sticks a bit so make sure you give it a good tug.)

I allegedly went to Maggie’s one night to see what all the fuss was about.  It’s weird.  The front lady took down some of my information (supposedly), and then sent me into the waiting room.  The place smells like weed.  I mean, the place probably smells like weed.  I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been to Maggie’s Farm, and I’ve never smelt weed, because I follow all of our great country’s laws, even the misguided ones.

The waiting room was designed for stoners.  We all took a number, but folks would get up and scoot down to the next available chair, causing a wave effect.  I guess the numbers are for some other purpose?  The musical chairs routine is not doing any favors to the stereotype of weed smokers.  I thought it was dumb.  I mean, I would probably think that such a thing was dumb if I ever saw it occur.  It wasn’t until I theoretically saw the security guard with a gun who asked me to scoot down with everyone else to make room that I partook in the game of jumping chairs.  The line is fairly long, so make sure you have a good hour on your hands when you stay away from this place and don’t go inside.

The merchandise here is expensive, but it is also quality stuff.  If I were the kind of person who bought drugs illegally, I could probably compare the price of an independent black market contractor to Maggie’s Farm (Maggie’s is more pricey), but I’m not the kind of person who buy’s drugs.  Also, I could also compare quality (Maggie’s has some good stuff, and the edibles are delicious and oh so effective!).  It’s nice to know that the drugs I may or may not have bought were safe, as opposed to other things I might have bought from a hobo downtown with a sketchy eye twitch.

The staff is quite nice, and they can answer any questions you might have.  I asked a bunch because I don’t know anything about buying this kind of thing (S vs I?)

Lots of hoops to jump through (not their fault, but still there), the place allegedly smells strongly of weed, the prices are a bit high but are very reasonable, and the quality is fantastic.  It’s too bad I’ll never go there, because I stay away from drugs.

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